


Incorrect Grace Brothers Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [24]
Category: Are You Being Served?
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dead Like Me, Death by toilet seat, M/M, Purgatory, They're already dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:08:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21855796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: Meet Richard Lucas (who prefers to be called Dick). He is a young London college dropout who is unhappy with life. He is always at odds with his mom, Joy. One day coming back from his temp job as a filing clerk, he is hit by the toilet seat of the re-entering Space Station Mir. Finding out he is now dead, he is recruited to become a grim reaper. As in life, he is a pain in the butt in death. He does not like the details of his job and is always at loggerheads with his boss Claybourne. His fellow grim reapers don't really take much of a liking to him either. Dick also learns grim reapers don't even get a free ride in death, as they must hold down regular jobs along with their death duties.
Relationships: Wilberforce Claybourne Humphries & Dick Lucas, Wilberforce Claybourne Humphries/Dick Lucas
Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428805





	Incorrect Grace Brothers Quotes

**Pilot (1.1)** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Dead_Like_Me&action=edit&section=2)]

_[The camera closes in on cubicle land, where a teenage boy with a dull expression listens to his headset.]_

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ _That's_ me. I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you… but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to _avoiding_ disappointment is to avoid _interest_. A equals B equals C equals A, or… whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed.

_[Cut to a guy robbing a convenience store…]_

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ Bad people are punished by society's law.

_[… only to find the police outside. Bad guy is shot dead. Cut to a woman, standing precariously on a picket fence to lure a treed cat with food.]_

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ And good people…

 **Cat Woman** : Who's the pretty kitty? Ooh, _you_ are. Come on, sweetheart.

_[The woman falls off the fence. Pan down to the dead woman…]_

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ … are punished by Murphy's Law.

_[… then over to the cat on the ground, eating the food. Cut back to the office.]_

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ So you see my dilemma.

=======================

_[An aggressively cheery middle-aged woman approaches the morose Dick.]_

**Betty** : Hi, I'm Betty Slocombe… as in "slow, come…"

_[She points to her eyes, grinning.]_

**Betty** : "… brown eyes?" I'll be your Happy Time career counselor.

 **Betty** : Some college, huh? Didn't finish?

 **Dick** : Some seemed like enough.

=======================

_[As a toilet seat from the re-entering[Mir](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mir) station plummets through the sky, Dick is awkwardly moving through a city plaza.]_

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die? That _might_ be true if you're terminally ill, or your parachute doesn't open…

_[He looks up to see the fireball heading straight for him.]_

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ … but if death sneaks up on you, the only thing you have time to think is…

 **Dick** : Aw, shit.

 **Dick** : _[voiceover]_ I didn't know what was more disturbing: being dead or the fact that the first man to touch my naked body was a coroner.

=======================

**Dick** : _[voiceover]_ Everyone always says the same shit at funerals... they talk about how sweet, wonderful, and oh-so-full-of-life you were, how it was _your time_ and you can't question God's plan... they never say anything bad. You could be the biggest turd in the toilet bowl and you'd still come out smelling like a rose.

 **Dick** : So, what's next? Onward and upward?

 **Clay** : Onward not upward. No pearly gates for you, no choirs of angels neither.

 **Dick** : You dick! You're sending me to hell?!

 **Clay** : Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.

=======================

**Dick** : That's Shirley. She could kick your ass.

=======================

_[seeing un-Dick for the first time]_

**Dick** : Who decides what we look like?

 **Stephen** : I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up.

 **Dick** : If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.

=======================

**Dead Girl Walking (1.2)** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Dead_Like_Me&action=edit&section=3)]

 **Dick** : I've been dead for seven days. Okay, that's a little dramatic.

 **Shirley** : You know what your problem is? You wake up every morning wondering what the world's gonna do for you, wondering who's gonna bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the fuck at that.

=======================

**Shirley** : Sir, I'm going to say this as politely as possible. I will fuck you up.

=======================

**Clay** : Well, you really fucked the dog, Peanut.

 **Dick** : What?

 **Clay** : What? You had an appointment.

 **Dick** : I didn't make an appointment.

 **Shirley** : Beat him.

 **Clay** : Doesn't matter who made the appointment. You had an appointment.

 **Dick** : Correct me if I'm wrong but- mission accomplished.

 **Clay** : You're wrong. That was me correcting you.

 **Dick** : I'm confused.

 **Shirley** : He's still in there, you silly bitch.

_[Flashback to the dead man's soul screaming as he is forced to watch his own[autopsy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/autopsy).]_

**Dick** : Holy shit! Is he in pain?

 **Clay** : Physically, no. He's dead. But emotionally, I imagine this sort of thing is pretty traumatic.

=======================

**Clay** : You like spaghetti, Dick? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a [trifecta](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/trifecta) with that long shot on top... that ozone smell you get from air purifiers... and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable... [Mahler](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gustav_Mahler)'s first, [Bernstein](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Bernstein) conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.

 **Dick** : And what if I don’t?

 **Clay** : Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.

=======================

**Curious Dick (1.3)** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Dead_Like_Me&action=edit&section=4)]

 **Dick** : Do you really care how it's going with me?

 **Clay** : Sure, I make my face look like this and the concerned words come out.

 **Dick** : _[voice over]_ One desperate attempt after another to find something in common with someone else and then cling. “Hey, you have ten fingers, I have ten fingers, let's be friends. We'll make rules and slogans. Then if we find someone with nine fingers, we can beat the crap out of them.”

=======================

**Betty** : You're just lucky we are not doing this with my mother, she used to make us practice smiling before we left the house.

 **Cuthbert** : That's because she doesn't like your smile.

 **Betty** : Did she tell you that?

 **Cuthbert** : Yeah, she said it was fake.

 **Betty** : That bitch.

=======================

**Dick** : What would happen if everybody died?

 **Stephen** : What do you mean?

 **Dick** : Like if we were the only ones left

 **Stephen** : Oh, like if the frogs ate everyone on the planet?

 **Dick** : Yeah.

 **Stephen** : I reckon we'd be shoveling a lot of frog shit.

=======================

**Dick** : So... my whole life, everything... All I get to keep are thoughts and memories?

 **Clay** : That's all we ever have, Peanut.

**=======================**

**Reapercussions (1.4)** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Dead_Like_Me&action=edit&section=5)]

 **Secretary** : I'm sorry Mr. Munroe isn't available.

 **Dick** : Did you tell him it's important?

 **Secretary** : Yes, but he's just on his way out of the office.

 **Dick** : It'll only take a second. Please, I'll be quick.

 **Secretary** : He's not gonna see you. He doesn't know who you are or what this is regarding.

 **Dick** : I'm the boy his son drugged and it's regarding him videotaping me while homeless people had sex with my unconscious body.

 **Secretary** : I'll double-check.

=======================

**Dick** : I was just calling you, to see if there was anything I could do to help.

 **Dick** : _[voiceover]_ I became aware of the words only after they left my mouth.

 **Betty** : I like the way you show initiative, Millie. I like it a lot. I'd better watch my back, pretty soon you'll have my job.

 **Dick** : Only after you get a promotion.

 **Betty** : Oh.

 **Dick** : _[voiceover]_ I felt dirty.

=======================

**Stephen** : I feel like I've been poisoned. Have you been poisoned?

 **Clay** : No, not on purpose. I had some bad [salmon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/salmon) once. I don't touch the stuff anymore.

 **Stephen** : Was it salmon mousse?

 **Clay** : I don't know. It was canned.

=======================

**Clay** : You pulled the wrong piece out of the Jenga tower little boy. You know what a hiccup is?

 **Dick** : Yes.

 **Clay** : You got yourself a hiccup. Something happens that's not supposed to happen. System has to figure out what that something is and fix it. P. J. Monroe.

 **Dick** : I'm sorry.

 **Clay** : What'd you do? Slash his tires? Have him arrested?

 **Dick** : I just talked to him.

 **Clay** : Must have been some conversation.

 **Dick** : I guess.

 **Clay** : I hope it was worth it. What, you got the hots for the guy or something?

 **Dick** : No!

 **Clay** : What, did he give you some money?

 **Dick** : No! _[looks away]_

 **Clay** : Help...me...out.

 **Dick** : I just wanted to see if I could do it?

 **Clay** : I need somebody to give me lessons on how to communicate with you, Peanut, cuz I'm at a loss. The coin's in the slot, the gumball's on its way, and I'm plum out of wisdom. I'd start sleeping with the lights on if I were you.

 **Dick** _[voiceover]_ : I didn't know if that was a threat or a warning... Clay washed his hands of me. But that didn't mean I was off the hook. It only got worse. I broke the rules. The gravelings declared hunting season on my ass.

=======================

_[Stephen is sitting in a booth, looking uncomfortable]_

**Shirley** : Are you _high_?

 **Stephen** : _[miserably]_ I've got illegals in my bottom.

=======================

**Stephen** : Heed his advice and stay on his good side. He's like a volcano, Dick, he erupts, and he spews lava on all the little villagers, they run around and, they run around for their lives. But, you know, he stops, and you can go back to the safety of your own home.

[pause]

 **Stephen** : I've seen him stay mad for years, but you're different, he likes you. He won't stay mad as long.

 **Dick** : Well how long will he be mad for? Days? Weeks?

 **Stephen** : What's the one after that?

 **Dick** : Months?

 **Stephen** : Yeah, that one.

=======================

**Reaping Havoc (1.5)** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Dead_Like_Me&action=edit&section=6)]

 **Clay** : You don't mess with fate, Peanut. People die when they are meant to die. There's no discussion. There's no negotiation. When life's done, it's done. You of all people should know that.

(Dick is at a meeting at work about scrapbooking and has a daydream.)

 **Dick** : This is my work-related scrapbook. (She opens to a page and points.) These are bone fragments I found in a telephone pole next to an exploded high voltage transformer. (Turns to another page.) And, this is from that nuclear reactor incident. I think it's a testicle!

(Everyone in his daydream laughs.)

=======================

(Clay, Dick and Betty are at a Bowers family reunion trying to find M. J. Bowers.)

 **Clay** : Is your name M. J.?

 **Old Man Bowers** : What?

 **Clay** : My friend tells me 'go say hello to M. J. he's standin’ over there' and he points to you.

 **Old Man Bowers** : Which friend?

 **Clay** : Right there. Pretty boy in the pantsuit.

(They look at Dick and Dick waves.)

 **Old Man Bowers** : That one? I don't know him. Uh, what is he pointing at me for?

 **Clay** : He thought you were M. J. Bowers. Are you?

 **Old Man Bowers** : Who wants to know?

 **Clay** : It's a family reunion. We're all family. I'm just askin' your name.

 **Old Man Bowers** : I don't know you, sir!

 **Clay** : Clay. Hi, how are you? Listen, I'm tired of fuckin' around. Is your name M. J. Bowers or not?

 **Old Man Bowers** (confused): Uh...

(Dick sees Betty bring a basket to her cubicle.)

 **Dick** [voiceover]: If this is Murray the dead cat, I'm so outta here.

 **Dick** : Why do I keep losing all the things and people that I care about?

 **Clay** : That's what life is, Peanut.


End file.
